


Broken Sword

by captain_shitpost



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harem, Angst, Dogs, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Monster of the Week, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Reader Is Not Chara (Undertale), Reader Is Not Frisk (Undertale), Reader is Slavic, Reader-Insert, Slice of Life, nonbinary reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:08:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26274604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_shitpost/pseuds/captain_shitpost
Summary: There are entire worlds hidden in the dark corners of reality, hiding magic and monsters in plain sight. Until a year ago it was your purpose to preserve the balance of mundane and magic, of monsters and humans, all while hidden with the human's belief that magic wasn't real.Then the monsters surfaced.You now have to fulfill your task of protecting those that need protecting, but the world everyone has known has changed irreparably. You settle down in Ebott City to help the monsters that surfaced and those that have always been there to live harmoniously with humans. Along the way, you meet new people you may grow to love.
Relationships: Papyrus (Undertale)/Reader, Sans (Undertale)/Reader
Comments: 33
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

You adjusted your shirt, looking this way and that in the mirror. You had dressed in your only fancy outfit, thankfully not too creased from its time in a box, and it still suited you alright. You glanced at your work outfit, flung over the chair. You liked it-especially once you got it modified to your tastes-but you thought a more…fancy look would work better for tonight. You didn’t want your presence to be as menacing as it could be, and you _were_ dropping in on a gala. You turned towards the bedroom door, toeing one of the many cardboard boxes a bit more to the side, slowly so the sword resting on it wouldn’t fall off. You didn’t want to trip over it on accident when you got back home.

Moving was always a pain in the ass and you haven’t had time to unpack yet. Then again, odds were good you would start unpacking the essentials as you needed them and would still have a few boxes lying around months from now. You sighed. You wondered sometimes what it was like to be the kind of person that unpacked as quickly as possible after moving. You imagined life was a lot easier for them.

You walked through the small ground-floor apartment, big enough for one person but crowded for anything more, and into the living room. There was a ratty old sofa there and a small kitchen island with two chairs there to separate it from the kitchen, and nothing else apart from more boxes and the two bowls pushed to the wall in the kitchen-one for water and one for dog food. You checked the water level and then went to the sofa, your prediction right on the money as your dog lay on the springy cushions. She looked at you and didn’t move to get up, just huffed and wagged her tail a few times as you scratched her head.

“I have to go, darling,” you said, scratching behind her ear. “Be a good girl, will you? I’ll be back in 2 or 3 hours and then we can go sleep.”

Your dog licked her nose, her eyes closing again. She would get up to check if you were gone after you left the apartment, but it seems the jog you took her on before properly exhausted her. You chuckled, getting up and heading to the entryway, putting on your cleanest shoes and grabbing your small, somewhat fancy backpack. You checked the contents, checked for your wallet, then went back to the mirror to make sure your teeth were clean, checked for your wallet again, then grabbed your keys and closed the door behind you, locking it. The wood was flimsy and the lock even flimsier, but you hadn’t had time to install extra security and it was still up in the air if you’d stay here long enough to do so. You just hoped this part of the town was relatively safe on top of being cheap.

The walk to the embassy was calm as well as educational. You passed the usual humans going out on a Friday evening, but you also passed several monsters in very eye-catching shapes and forms, a stark contrast to what you were used to seeing. Visibly monstrous, just casually strolling down the sidewalks in plain human sight. The monsters surfacing a year ago truly ushered in a new era, one you and your people would now have to navigate, no matter the friction and animosity it might cause.

You sped up, gaze trained forwards. You had a job to do.

The new Monster Embassy was an intimidatingly large building, previously abandoned before being repurposed. There were parts of it covered in tarps and surrounded by scales, the windows mismatched and paint peeling off as the old building was still getting fixed up into a presentable shape. The parts that were fixed up, though, were uniquely beautiful-from the several pastel shades that were used to paint the outside, to the lovely flooring and tasteful and strange décor you could spy through the windows, it was obvious that it was furnished by monsters with a completely different aesthetic sense from the local humans. You waited until the coast was clear before you climbed over the fence sectioning off a part under construction, then headed to a side door, one that you hoped connected to the hallways inside. You weren’t sure how welcome you would be at tonight’s gala if you tried to just saunter in, so best that you avoided the guards checking people’s invitations at the front door.

You managed to unlock the flimsy door on the side of the building with minimal effort, and carefully, so as to not get your nice clothes dirty, made your way inside. The hallways were dusty and obviously abandoned so you had to tread lightly, errant planks and broken pieces of masonry lying around. Eventually, following the sounds of voices, you tracked down an emergency exit door that led to a hallway next to a couple of bathrooms. You confidently walked down the hallway, trying to look like you belonged there. The two human ladies that came out of the bathroom barely glanced at you before they went back inside the ballroom, so you followed behind them, letting their elaborate dresses and loud greetings draw attention away from you.

The ballroom was nothing short of impressive. A high ceiling with fancy-looking chandeliers (with real candles, too!), a carpeted floor that looked nice but wouldn’t be an issue to traverse in high heels, round tables at which many well-dressed humans and monsters sat around and chatted, and a free space in the center for any dancing that may occur. You glanced at the three thrones situated on an elevated pedestal at the very front of the room, sitting empty. The Monster Monarchs weren’t in session today, it seems.

You passed the softly playing chamber orchestra, nodding to the monsters you passed as you scoped out the room. There were guards standing around wearing ceremonial armor, but there were surprisingly few of them. You’d expected more security, but perhaps some of the guests were really undercover guards. Best to behave either way.

You were making a circle around the room, observing the people inside until you stopped in front of the buffet table, the mouth-watering aroma from the assortment of delicate bite-sized meals hitting you suddenly. Your job was to find one of the Monarchs-King Asgore, in particular-and have a nice discussion, but you had also been living on takeout the last few days and hadn’t had dinner. You looked over the table, biting your lip. One frilly cake wouldn’t take _too_ long, right? You picked up a fruit tart close to you, biting down on it like a savage, holding your hand underneath it to catch the crumbs. As you’d hoped, it was delightful-crumbly, sweet but not cloyingly so, the taste of the fruit delicate-but to your surprise it also melted in your mouth, and as it settled in your stomach you could feel the edges of a headache you hadn’t even noticed before now soften. Magic food. It had been so long since you had any.

“enjoying yourself? not having an invitation’s got to make the food taste better.”

You turned around slowly, shoulders pulling back into proper posture. You looked at the monster that interrupted you, keeping your face carefully blank. It was a skeleton-short, wearing a set of black ceremonial armor with the monster sigil on the front, the only pops of colour on him a plum-coloured scarf he’d wrapped around his neck and the specks of light floating in his sockets that matched it. You met his gaze, an unnerving experience when his wide, sharp-toothed grin didn’t budge or meet his sockets.

“I am, the food is lovely. I didn’t think I’d attract attention so soon, though,” you replied calmly. His grin widened.

“you should cover your steps better, then. nice try, but we _do_ have security cameras.”

You ate the last bit of the pastry and chewed vigorously, keeping eye contact with the skeleton. You could tell he would rather stab you than deal with you politely, but you also knew he wouldn’t do it-not in the middle of a crowded ballroom, anyways. You swallowed the last bite, then nodded at him. “I apologize for the deception. I came here because I need to speak to one of the monarchs. I am-”

“i know who you are,” the skeleton cut you off, his grin twitching in place. “i’m the one who had to dig up what i could on you which, by the way, wasn’t easy. so far all I’ve found in your history was a string of fake names and fake documents, but i did find your actual picture. if you plan to assassinate someone, for fuck’s sake keep your appearance more secure, yeah?”

You raised your eyebrows and held back your smile. “Assassinate? I’m not here for an assassination. I’m here to talk, as I said in my letter to the monarchs.”

“and i should believe you…why, exactly? from what i gathered, your job is to kill monsters. do you really think i’d let you get anywhere near our rulers?” he asked, fangs sharp and shiny in the candlelight. You could tell it wasn’t an honest, or even polite smile-his face just seemed kind of stuck that way, and he gave off the impression that he knew how uncanny he looked.

You crossed your arms, putting your weight on one leg. You weren’t stupid enough to start a fight here either, surrounded by guards, and starting one would not make it any easier to speak to a monarch anyways. This short stack of a skeleton was in your way though, as endearing as his criticisms were. “You can let your kings and queens make those decisions themselves. In fact, wouldn’t they be mad that you’re keeping someone like me away from them? I may not have an invitation, but I imagine a monster monarch would know to be hospitable to me. Or did your people lose your sense of propriety after being underground for a millennia?”

The skeletons mouth twitched upwards at the low blow. “has anyone ever told you you’re charming? because you’re not.”

You smiled, inclining your head downward. “I can be charming when I need to be. I can also be a pain in the ass when necessary. So you can kick me out and I’ll find your monarch later, when you’re not around to watch over them, or you can take me and whatever backup you feel you need with you so I can speak to them. I’m flexible.”

He stared at you intently. Both of you had relaxed postures and soft voices, which thankfully kept the attention of the other guests away from you, but you could only stay low-key for so long. The less you rock the boat the better was a good lesson you learned over the years. Thankfully, the skeleton seemed to finally see your point of view-he raised his left hand, index and middle fingers raised, then made an 8 shape in the air a few times before lowering it. “follow me, then.”

You brushed your hands free of crumbs onto the floor and followed him, weaving between the guests and furniture expertly, until you reached a door to the side labeled “STAFF ONLY”. Here he stopped and waited, keeping an eye on you. You kept your mouth shut despite your impatience, and soon enough 3 guards came close to the two of you and with a nod of his head the skeleton led you through the door, the other guards following close behind you.

You looked over your shoulder, trying to see who your new captors are. Two more skeleton monsters, their skulls uncovered, and another monster with their face obscured. One of the skeletons had a large smile on their face and nodded politely to you when you met their gaze, so you nodded politely back. The other skeleton looked strikingly similar to them, apart from having a much sterner gaze and several deep gashes over their right socket, but they ignored your stare and looked forwards. The monster in the middle was taller than both of them, the red decoration on top of their helmet looking remarkably like hair. That one didn’t look at you or acknowledge you either. Rude.

Finally, after several doors and a winding hallway, you stopped in front of a large wooden door, elaborate but chipped all over. The short skeleton knocked on the door then stood back and waited; posture perfect. After a certain amount of time the shorter skeleton opened the door, despite not being called in, and marched the rest of the group inside.

“Hello Razz. Did something happen at the party?” the monster inside called out, his deep voice gentle. You looked over the skeleton’s head at him, immediately noting him as King Asgore. You had seen pictures of him and a few TV appearances, but he was even more imposing in real life. You didn’t realize just how large he would be.

“an intruder, the one that sent you the letter,” he said, stepping only slightly to the side so Asgore could see you. You figured he wanted to position himself between you and the King, but decorum was decorum. “It seems they decided to drop in unannounced.”

Asgore put down what he was holding-a large cell phone, engulfed in his even larger hand-onto the crowded table next to him. He smiled widely at you, perfectly polite. “Ah. I expected you would come in person eventually. Unfortunately, I couldn’t prepare a proper greeting without you calling in advance and I apologize for the lack of hospitality.”

You dipped into a deep bow, right hand on your chest, staying down while you spoke. “I take no offence. I wanted to speak to you privately and not cause an uproar with other monsters, so I thought making a more…quiet appearance would be preferable. I didn’t want to make a point by shouting my name and waving a sword around.”

Asgore chuckled, a deep, rumbling sound. “That would cause a fuss, certainly. Well,” he said, gesturing to a smaller table to the side, “we are both here, so we can talk. Would you like some tea?”

You straightened up, making your way to the chair he gestured to. “I would be honored. The food at the party was exquisite, by the way. Compliments to the chef.”

“I’ll be sure to let her know,” he said, moving to grab a kettle already filled with water. You felt your stomach plummeting at the sight. Oh dear. You thought he would send someone to get the tea, not that you would make one of the Kings of monsters serve you during your negotiations. You looked away as he heated the water with his magic, setting out small plates on the table. Fat lot of good your years of experience and classes on decorum did you, you just allowed a king to make you tea. This was already a disaster.

“Do you take sugar or milk in your tea? Maybe honey?” Asgore called out, making you look at him again. You tried to smile normally and not show your inner panic. Was this a test? Was this some kind of test to check your mettle? Were you supposed to stop him?

“I take it black, thank you-you don’t have to make the tea for me personally, your Majesty. I can take over,” you said, trying to get up. You could hear the guards behind you shift, probably to catch you in case you decided to attack, but Asgore waved you-and them-off.

“It’s quite alright. I always make tea for people who come to talk to me. It may not be strictly proper, but I do want to make people comfortable when we chat,” he said, adding the tea leaves into the pot, then putting it onto the table. You sat back down to wait, still uneasy. “Guards? Would you like any?”

To your amusement, the guards all muttered out ‘no’ like a bunch of schoolchildren that got asked if they forgot their backpacks. You had a feeling this was a common situation and it made you relax slightly. You didn’t misstep. The king just, apparently, liked pelting people with tea. “Alright then,” Asgore said, setting cups onto the table as well as a small plate of jam cookies. “Unfortunately, I can’t talk to you alone on a first meaning. You understand why.”

You looked at the guards. The two skeletons were positioned on both sides of the door and the short skeleton made his way, without you noticing, in front of the only window of the small office. The monster with the helmet hovered near the wall, far enough away to not feel oppressive but close enough to be able to reach you if you tried anything. You hummed. Seems the guards were well trained on how to protect their monarchy. “I do. I wouldn’t expect you to meet with me on your own, I know my reputation. I just feel I should warn you, the discussion may not be for everyone’s ears.”

Asgore chuckled. “They are good guards, I know they won’t go and gossip around,” he explained, sitting himself in the much larger chair across from you. “They will not interfere in any way. So if it is alright with you, I would like them to stay.”

You took a jam cookie, tapping off the excess powdered sugar. “I don’t mind. Perhaps they might need a bit of backstory then, if they want to follow along.”

Asgore looked at you, eyebrows rising in surprise. “I suppose you have a point. Introductions are a good place to start, so let us do them properly,” he said, gently inclining his head towards you. “I am King Asgore, part of the triumvirate of the Surfaced Monsters, and overseer of internal affairs. I welcome you to our place of ruling and our table.”

You inclined your head, a certain feeling of nostalgia making your chest ache. It was rare to get a proper welcome these days. “I am the Witcher, keeper of balance between humans and monsters. I thank you for your hospitality and humbly accept it.”

Asgore smiled. He had a way of looking melancholic even when he smiled. “Well, with hospitality out of the way-I received your letter last week, Witcher. I shared it with Razz here to run a background check, but I didn’t share it with anyone else, including the other Monarchs. I thought it would be best if we kept this meeting quiet for now.”

You raised your eyebrows, leaning back. You bit into the cookie in your hands, the pastry crumbling under your lips, then quickly chewed and swallowed. “You didn’t tell the other Monarchs that the Witcher was coming? I thought you’d warn them.”

“Normally I would, but Queen Toriel has been away to meet a certain politician, and Queen Undyne accompanied her for protection. I’ll bring the matter to their attention when they return,” he explained.

You dusted the sugar off your hands, then folded them onto your leg. You were starting to wonder how long the tea needed to steep. “Fair. It’s likely matters of importance to them too, but not urgent. You shouldn’t have bothered with a background check though, you won’t find anything I’m not leaving behind.”

You heard the short skeleton exhale, smile twitching in annoyance. Your own lips pulled upwards at the sight. Asgore smiled too, knowing. “I’ve noticed. Still, you can understand the precaution. Witchers have a long history of hunting down monsters, and I still do not know why you needed to talk to us if that is not your plan,” he said, pouring out the tea. You gratefully held out your cup, noting the monster in the helmet move in your periphery. When you looked at their hand it was flexing, as if trying to hold a weapon. Maybe some reassurance was in order.

“The role of the Witcher is to maintain balance, that is all. If some Witchers before me chose to do it by indiscriminate murder of monsters, that’s unfortunate, but also not something I personally intend to follow up on,” you said, leaning back with your cup. It smelled very flowery and grassy, but also rich and deep. You weren’t sure you ever tried this kind of tea before. “The fact of the matter is simple. Monsters have hidden from the public eye for centuries now, more or less successfully. Their very survival often hinged on it. And now, a whole mountain of monsters has surfaced, very publicly, and consequently the existence of monsters is no longer a myth or a legend but a reality. As you can imagine, this has changed things in an unprecedented way. And I want to know what your stance here will be.”

Asgore leaned forwards, running his paw over his beard, but a loud voice came from behind you, startling you. “MONSTERS HAVE BEEN HIDDEN FOR CENTURIES? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!”

You turned behind you. One of the tall skeletons-the one without scars-was the one who asked, wearing a puzzled expression. The skeleton beside him was still staring forward in a perfect guard stance, but their sockets were furrowed like they were confused as well.

“…Is it true? Are there really monsters still alive on the surface?” Asgore asked. You turned to face him, still angled towards the skeleton.

“Of course. There always have been, there always will be. You’re hardly the only representatives of your people,” you stated.

The silence in the room was heavy as the guards started looking at each other with confused or surprised expressions, while Asgore frowned at the table, seeming almost…relieved. It was probably exciting to know there were other monsters out there, more of your numbers against a cold world. It was also kind of awkward as the silence stretched on, so you grabbed another cookie while you let them process this particular bombshell.

Asgore finally looked at you, straightening up. “Have you had contact with other monsters? Where are they? How many of them are there?”

You washed the cookie down with tea to clear your mouth, then put down the cup. “There are too many monsters in this world for me to talk to all of them, but I have had personal or written contact with many groups. They’re…everywhere, really. In the middle of dense rainforests, in the desserts, inside mountains,” you said with a small smile, “but they’re also in villages, living next to humans in harmony, or in cities hiding who they are to survive. Everywhere. I’ve noticed some in this very city, though I don’t know if they came to the surface with you or were always there. Some are in groups and care only for their kin, some rally for a single cause, some are only for themselves. As you can imagine, they’re a very diverse lot.”

Asgore chuckled, voice like it was not far from breaking. “Ah, that we are,” he said, leaning his chin on his hands. “Thank you for telling me this. I always wondered…but we haven’t been contacted by any yet. I thought at least some would come to us if they were around.”

“And I think we’re getting to the whole reason I wished to talk to you. I tried to talk to as many monsters as I could after news of your surfacing spread,” you said, gesticulating calmly. “And for the most part, they’re waiting.”

“Waiting for what?” he asked with a frown.

“To see what you will do. To see how the humans will handle news of you. To see how humans will react to them and those they know. Most don’t want to throw their lot in with you before they know you won’t be eradicated in another war,” you explained, frowning at the wince he made. You didn’t want to be cruel, but bluntness might help make your point.

“I understand that. And to most monsters alive today, I’m not their King and neither are the Queens. And to those living further away, we never were,” he said, making you nod in agreement. “They don’t know if we’ll try to protect them.”

“Exactly. Some are quite angry that you put them in danger by exposing the existence of monsters like this, which, by the way, is me warning you that there may be attempts to attack you or your people for retaliation. I have an ear out for anything specific, but keep your guard up regardless,” you said, looking to the guard in the helmet. “Some have their own rulers and lives or assimilated with humans and have zero interest in your people. And finally, some have expressed an interest in contacting you to try and move to Ebott, or plan to reveal themselves but are still too scared to do so. And I’m here to help them.”

Asgore nodded, taking a deep breath. His exhale made the powdered sugar lift, just a bit, off the plate in front of him. “Duly noted. I will be sure to notify the guard of the threat, and we are open to talk with any monsters that wish to speak to us. We thank you for any lines of contact you establish here for them, Witcher.”

“That leads me to my other point: I ask for your permission to make my residence in this city so I can keep an open line of communication,” you said. The short skeleton glanced between you and Asgore, his poker face not quite hiding that he thought that was a bad idea, but the one who spoke up was the monster with the helmet, with a gruff but feminine voice.

“Asgore, are you serious? You said these Witchers murder monsters and you want to have one living in the city?! They could just be cozying up to us to try and get access to you and the Queens or the other monsters! And they managed to sneak in here just fine, so are they really safe to keep around?!” she hissed out. You decided to take your cup back and sip on the dregs. Maybe you’d look more non-threatening with your pinky sticking out. Something about her posture, her energy, told you she would not be an easy opponent if it came down to it, but mostly it was the uneasy feeling in your gut, the one you trusted and that kept you alive for so long.

Thankfully Asgore smiled at her with a placating gesture. “It is alright, Undyne. They have a point: they have been in contact with surface monsters for what must have been some time, and they likely trust them more than us. And we have no way to establish contact without them. I do not wish to ignore other monsters in need when we could have potential allies. Besides, I am sure we can come to an arrangement with the Witcher about what we find acceptable behavior so we can have a successful cooperation,” he said, nodding at you. You had the distinct impression that there was an ‘or our deal is off’ he was too polite to mention. It was a reasonable expectation, but you still didn’t like being told what to do.

“I’m not planning on interfering in how you run yourselves needlessly,” you interjected. “You have your own kingdom you’ve built for generations and you have enough scrutiny from the humans even without me, I don’t think I’m needed for your kingdom. However, the surface monsters _do_ need me, so I’m willing to negotiate your terms for staying.”

Asgore smiled, only now taking his cup of tea up to sip at. You bit your lip so you wouldn’t smile at the frown he made at it. It was probably cold and bitter by now. “In that case, I think we have to wrap up for today. The Queens will be back next week and then we can all sit down and talk things through in detail with their input, as long as you agree not to start any hostilities towards monsters during your stay and cooperate with us. Until then, I hope we have an agreement. Do you have a place to stay?”

“I have found one, yes. I will get in touch with you later to leave my address and contacts. Then we can schedule a meeting.”

“That will work for us. I am glad to have talked to you, Witcher.”

You smiled, a quirk of the lips more genuine than any placating smiles you’ve given so far, and took another cookie before getting up. “The pleasure was all mine, your Majesty. I hope we will have a fruitful cooperation in the future.”

Asgore inclined his massive head in a polite nod, then gestured for the guards to escort you out. Before you exited, your gaze flickered down to the small tea table. You had eaten all the cookies on your own. Well. That probably didn’t leave a good impression. You looked straight ahead and decided you wouldn’t think about it until you got home and could freak out over your missteps while trying to sleep.

The skeleton standing to the side of the door-the smiling one-smiled even wider as he (was he a he? Skeletons didn’t have a very clear gender, but his voice was rather masculine) opened the door, taking position in the front with the scarred one and the helmeted monster at your back. You weren’t sure if the short skeleton wasn’t following or if he was just that quiet. You weren’t going to turn around and check.

Instead of going through the banquet hall, you were led through a series of more or less furnished hallways, then through what seemed like a storage space that eventually opened into a side street. You turned around to check the door, squinting at the position of it. It looked like it led to a completely different building, but the storage room and the rest of it must have been connected on the inside.

“YOU’RE FREE TO GO, WITCHER. _DON’T_ TRY AND SNEAK IN AGAIN OR THE GUARD WILL BE FORCED TO INTERVENE MORE SERIOUSLY,” the scarred skeleton said, speaking for the first time. If it wasn’t for the slight scratchiness in his voice and just a bit of a higher pitch you would have mistaken his voice for that of the other tall skeleton. You idly wondered if they were related or if you were just horrible at telling apart monsters. The other skeleton turned to him and put his hands on his hips, looking for all the world like an angry mom.

“EDGE! THEY’RE AN IMPORTANT GUEST AND WE’LL BE WORKING TOGETHER FROM NOW ON! NO NEED TO BE RUDE!” he exclaimed, then stuck out his hand at you. You stared at it in surprise for a few moments before finally registering what the skeleton wanted and grabbing his hand in a firm handshake. “MY NAME IS PAPYRUS! I’M A NEW ROYAL GUARD, AND I’M SURE WE’LL BE SEEING EACH OTHER MORE FROM NOW ON! I KNOW MOVING TO A NEW CITY ALONE CAN BE A BIT SCARY SO BE SURE TO CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANY HELP!”

You blinked slowly, looking down at the hand he only now let go. In it was a small paper with a phone number and the words ‘COOL SKELETON’ written in a neat, even hand, as well as a picture of a skull on fire. Did he write this while escorting you or did he just carry papers with his number scribbled on it around?

“Uh. Thanks?” you said, blinking owlishly at the paper. Was he hitting on you? Was he being friendly?? Was this some sort of Royal Guard obligation??? You didn’t know and you doubted you’d find out. You put it in your pocket anyways. “I’ll call you if I need it?”

“Papyrus you nerd, do you give your phone number to everyone???” the lady behind him cackled, though she sounded more amused than anything else.

“WELL, WHAT IF THEY NEED HELP??? THEY DON’T KNOW ANYONE HERE!” he exclaimed, the other monster snorting at him. You took that moment to nod to the scarred skeleton, who despite the harsh words seemed pretty neutral to both you and to the bickering of the two, and after he nodded back you slipped away.

The streets were nice and cool now that it was proper nighttime, so you sped up your pace, marveling at how different they seemed when they were empty. Liminal spaces. You could understand why people thought magic was afoot in these situations.

You allowed your feet to scrape the cobblestones as you lost the building in the distance, mind wondering back to the monsters you met today. They were so different from the ones you usually encountered, and yet similar in many ways. Two sides of the same coin. Like humans and monsters, all the same mixes of things in the end. Even you weren’t that different from them.

Your fingers ran over the paper in your pocket, your chest feeling warm. What strange people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I need to clarify a few things off the bat: 
> 
> 1) The Reader is not Geralt from The Witcher (though if you want to imagine him smooching snas undertale, feel free to). This is not set in the Witcher universe, and has nothing to do with its plot. I never even played through the games so idk what happens in it. However, I really liked the idea of a Witcher that goes around slaying monsters and fixing problems, so I decided that would be their title, even if the lore will be VASTLY different from the books/games/show. 
> 
> 2) There will be no shown sex scenes in this fic (maybe in a side fic later on, maybe not) but there will very much be allusions to the characters having sex and their will be graphic violence, as well as discussions on some heavy topic. However, the archive warnings I used are the only ones I plan to use.
> 
> 3) This is self indulgent as shit and yes, I decided to write my dog into a slice-of-life harem fic. Get with it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Witcher buys eggs and meets Papyrus again.

You woke to the sound of your upstairs neighbour walking around their apartment in heels, the poor sound insulation making it sound like someone was walking just outside your bedroom door. With a sigh of relief, you let the sword you’d grabbed on instinct gently thunk to the ground, then collapsed back onto your blow-up mattress with a frown. You were still tired and the mattress made your neck hurt like crazy. You grabbed your cellphone and opened up your notes, scrolling to find your shopping list and adding “A GOOD BED” right at the top. You sighed. Your stomach was already gurgling, demanding food, but you didn’t even have a pan to fry an egg in, let alone fresh eggs. Still, you had cereal and you could hear your dog whining outside the door now that she heard you move. Better get up.

With a slow, languid stretch, you managed to pop a few joints before you moved your shoulders and neck around until you worked out a few kinks, but by the time you got yourself upright you were still in pain. God, you hoped there was a furniture store nearby and they delivered fast. A week on that mattress was going to mess your spine up permanently, super-healing or not.

Your dog was wagging her tail and shuffling in place excitedly as you came out of your room, wiggling around your legs. “Yeah, yeah, morning, I’m getting your breakfast,” you said, bending down to stroke her head. You yawned and your nasty pooch tried to lick your mouth while it was open, making you draw back with a face.

“Don’t do that, you little shit. I swear it’s like you were raised in a barn,” you said with a smile, her tail wagging in joy as you stroked her chin. With a huff you got back up and headed to her bowls, pouring her morning kibble into the empty one and changing out her water. You could hear her gulping down her food like she hadn’t eaten in days while you searched for a cereal bowl in your kitchen-designated cardboard boxes, and by the time you had the cornflakes, milk, spoon and bowl ready on the island she was already done and waiting at your feet with her best puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah, you’re _so_ hungry. _So_ neglected,” you drawled, pouring in the plain cornflakes, then the milk. “Call the animal control, your owner won’t give you a second breakfast of the corny flakes. _So_ mean, that the princess doesn’t get more human food.”

Your studiously ignored her puppy eyes while you ate the very bland meal, then flicked one cornflake to her which she happily inhaled. 10 minutes later and you were dressed in sweatpants and a loose t-shirt and sneakers. You got your dog on a leash and grabbed her baggies and treats and made your way outside, into the bright morning sunlight.

While you were apartment shopping you saw there was a park about 15 minutes away-one of the reasons you chose it-so you immediately headed there, scouting the area to acquaint yourself with the local stores. There was a small corner store a few minutes from your apartment, as well as a hairdresser and pub nearer to the park. You let your dog off her leash once you hit the grass, the new smells enticing your dog to first do her business and then sniff around, every so often flopping over to roll in something dead in the grass. The park was supposedly alright to let a dog off leash, but you still kept a close eye on her. You didn’t know the area and you had no idea if it was safe.

While she did important dog business you walked around, enjoying the slightly unkept greenery. There were pines trees, maple, willows and several other kinds you couldn’t immediately identify, a small ditch where a stream used to be but dried up, and lots of grass and wildflowers. Someone must be keeping the tree branches off the paths and mowing the grass every so often, but as far as you saw nothing more was done to the place. You liked it that way.

You whistled for your dog, kicking a pinecone once her attention was on you. While she was busy running after it in the long grass, you bent down to pick up a few twigs as you walked after her. Your apartment needed more security, and you had a gut feeling that the twigs might work this time. You’d have to buy cream in the store later too, to increase your chances.

Half an hour of kicking pinecones later, you made your way to the corner store. You had to tie up your dog to wait outside, assuring her you’d only be gone for a few minutes, just a little bit, don’t be a baby, then bought some basic necessities-mostly groceries, but also a mop, bucket, sponges and such. The old man behind the counter seemed grumpy and didn’t want to chit-chat, which suited you just fine. You weren’t a fan of how people in this country constantly tried to small talk you, as charming as it was at times. It was exhausting after a while, and you missed people being honestly grumpy instead of smiling at you so they wouldn’t lose their jobs.

You stepped outside, ready to greet your dog, but you tensed up at the sight in front of you-a person kneeling over her, your hand flexing on reflex for your sword, then remembering you only had your pocket knife on you. You held yourself still for a moment to observe, noting the person was wearing sweatpants and a shirt that was a vivid orange shade, as well as a red scarf. Then he giggled, shifting a bit in place as you noted the back of their head. Bone. It was a skeleton.

You relaxed marginally, walking in a circle around him to observe. Your dog was lying on her back, looking pleased as punch with her tongue lolling out of her mouth as the skeleton stroked her belly with both hands. Your mouth quirked up in a smile. Well, you couldn’t hate someone that was nice to your dog.

“I see she’s found a new servant to lavish her with attention,” you interrupted the scene, the skeleton flinching visibly in surprise. He turned to look at you while clutching a hand to his ribcage.

“GOSH, YOU STARTLED ME!!! I DIDN’T HEAR YOU AT ALL!” he said, standing back up to face you properly. You raised your eyebrows as you took in his face and posture. You knew him. “SHE SEEMED VERY INTERESTED IN ME, DOGS TEND TO BE, BUT INSTEAD OF BEING RUDE AND TRYING TO CHEW ON MY LEG SHE JUST DEMANDED SOME PATS SO I-”

“Papyrus?” you interrupted him. His mouth shut with a click. He frowned at you with a tilted head, looking you over.

“HAVE WE MET? DOES MY REPUTATION PRECEDE ME???” he started, before he gasped in surprise and clapped his hands. “YOU! YOU’RE THE HUMAN THAT VISITED ASGORE YESTERDAY! THE UH-THE WITCH?”

“Witcher, actually, but close enough. Didn’t take us long to run into each other again,” you said with a chuckle. You glanced down at your dog, just as she sighed dramatically that nobody was paying attention to her.

“RIGHT! DO YOU LIVE NEARBY? THERE’S NOT TOO MANY HUMANS I MEET AROUND HERE.”

“Yep, about 10 minutes in that direction,” you pointed, then went to untie your dog from the pole. She got up and leaned on your leg, so you indulgently rubbed her side. “This is the closest store to my place.”

“WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!! DO YOU SEE THOSE APARTMENT BUILDINGS THERE?” he exclaimed, pointing in the opposite direction. You squinted at the buildings-they were the kind of ugly grey 15 story buildings that came from trying to stick as many people inside as small of a space as possible, but with how close the park was it wasn’t a bad location. If they had a bigger store nearby, they were pretty set. “THAT’S WHERE ME AND MY BROTHER LIVE! A LOT OF OUR FRIENDS LIVE CLOSE BY TOO. IN FACT, THE TWO OTHER SKELETONS YOU MET ALSO LIVE THERE!”

“You all live in the same building? Must be nice to have friends so close,” you commented. Papyrus smiled, his sockets crinkling in a strangely charming way.

“IT _IS_ NICE. I NEVER HAD A FAMILY ALL LIVING TOGETHER IN A BUILDING BEFORE, IT WAS JUST MY BROTHER AND ME GROWING UP. SO THIS IS GREAT!”

You smiled at his enthusiasm. “That’s nice. It’s just me and my dog at my place. Speaking of, she’ll start complaining if we keep standing here, you wanna walk?”

Papyrus nodded enthusiastically. “I CAN WALK YOU TO YOUR PLACE, IF YOU LIKE? THAT WAY YOU DON’T HAVE TO CARRY ALL THOSE BAGS YOURSELF.”

You looked down at the bags in your hands. You were strong enough to carry them and more, but free labour…

“Fine, have at it,” you said, dumping two bags in his hands. He adjusted quickly to the weight, then adjusted his scarf and followed you as you started walking. Your dog was happily walking in between you, curiously sniffing at the bags as they swung near her. “So you have a brother?”

“YES! HIS NAME IS SANS, I’LL INTRODUCE YOU TO HIM SOMETIME!!! HE HAS A HORRIBLE WORK ETHIC AND I HAVE TO CLEAN AFTER HIM BECAUSE HE’S INCAPABLE OF PICKING UP HIS OWN SOCKS, BUT I’M SURE HE’LL HELP YOU IF YOU NEED ANYHTING!” he enthused. He swung the bags gently, in a way that told you he’d gesticulate a lot more if he wasn’t trying not to break your eggs.

“Duly noted. Call me up if you need anyone’s ass kicked. That and putting together furniture is about all I can help you with in return.”

“I’M HOPING I DON’T NEED ANYONE TO LOSE THEIR KNEECAPS AND I CAN HANDLE MYSELF, THANKS, BUT THANK YOU FOR THE OFFER!!!” he said. You hummed.

“You said there aren’t a lot of humans you see here, how come? Is it mostly monsters?” you asked.

“GOT IT IN ONE! MONSTERS FIRST LIVED IN TEMPORARY HOUSING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN, BUT THE FIRST PLACES WE WERE CLEARED TO MOVE INTO WERE ALL AROUND HERE! SO AS MORE MONSTERS WERE CLEARED TO MOVE IN, THEY TENDED TO MOVE CLOSE TO OTHERS, AND THE HUMANS LIVING HERE…WELL. MOVED OUT. SO IT’S DEFINITELY A MONSTER NEIGHBOURHOOD!” he explained.

“Do all the monsters actually fit in here? There’s a lot of you, as far as I heard.”

Papyrus tilted his head in though. “NOT ALL, NO. A LOT LIVE IN THIS AREA, BUT SOME HAVE MOVED TO OTHER CITIES AND NEIGHBOURHOODS, AND SOME HAD TO MOVE TO THE COAST OR UP THE MOUNTAIN RANGE BECAUSE THEY NEED WATER OR A SPECIFIC CLIMATE TO SURVIVE, AND A SMALL NUMBER STILL LIVES UNDERGROUND. AND SOME ARE STILL IN THE TEMPORARY HOUSING.”

Your eyebrows rose. “Even after a whole year?”

“BEUROCRACY IS SLOW, AND HUMAN BEUROCRACY IS GLACIAL ON THE BEST OF DAYS,” Papyrus said with an eye roll. Well, you assumed it was one-the motion he made reminded you of it, but he didn’t really have anything in his sockets to roll around. “ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE OF US THE HUMANS FIND…QUESTIONABLE.”

“What qualifies as questionable, then?” you asked, your mouth quirking up.

“BEING TOO STRANGE LOOKING. TOO LARGE OR TOO SMALL. TOO MUCH LV,” Papyrus said with a deep, tired sigh. “THEY LIKE MONSTERS THAT LOOK LIKE CUTE MASCOTS THE MOST. THE ONES THEY CAN SQUEE OVER, AND NOT THE ONES THAT THEY CROSS THE STREET TO AVOID. WELL, IT’S FUN TO BE A MASCOT, FOR SURE, BUT STILL!!!”

You nodded in agreement. You weren’t sure what LV was, but you knew what humans were like. You haven’t been a real human in a while now, but you were not that different in the end. Certainly no better when you first started out as a Witcher, and arguably worse.

You walked on in a silence, somewhere between nice and awkward. You disliked needing to fill the air with empty chit-chat, but you wondered if Papyrus was bothered. In the end though, you stopped in front of your house, Papyrus needing a moment to realize you were behind him and to pivot back to face you. He looked at the small building, looking this way and that with a grin. “IS THIS YOUR PLACE?”

“Yep,” you said, motioning to take back the bags he was holding. In the process you slightly bumped your dog who then decided to move as far away from the commotion as possible, right around your legs, and then proceeded to tug until you almost dropped the bags you were holding. You caught your footing just before Papyrus grabbed your forearm lightly to stabilize you, making you flinch subtly at the contact. “Shit, sorry-Kitten, can you not try to murder me???”

Your dog blinked at you as if you were being ridiculous, and with some squirming you managed to get yourself untangled, Papyrus letting go of your arm once you seemed stable. “KITTEN?????”

You turned to look at him, just barely keeping yourself from flinching again when you realized you were much closer to him than you thought, having to angle your head to look him in the sockets as he nearly loomed above you. By gods, this was a tall skeleton. You swallowed, your brain grinding to a halt as it tried to figure out just how you felt about this situation. Fear? Anger? Slight arousal? “I thought it was funny.”

He squinted at you, unamused. “THE POOR THING PROBABLY HAS A DAILY IDENTITY CRISIS.”

You barked out a laugh, carefully stepping away from him. His sockets crinkled in amusement in a very kind smile, somehow fitting his face perfectly. Maybe not fear and anger, then. The jury was still out for the arousal. “Of course she does, she’s just as good at ignoring me until lunch time as any other cat.”

“WELL, I’M SURE SHE’S JUST TRYING HER BEST WITH THE LOT SHE’S BEEN GIVEN IN LIFE!!! IT’S ONLY SO HARD A DOG CAN BE EXPECTED TO DOG, IF SHE’S CALLED KITTEN.”

You made a huff of amusement, his expression pleased as pudding that he made you laugh. You hooked your dog leash onto the doorknob to the building, then went to take the other bags he was still holding, both of you fumbling as you attempted the exchange. “DO YOU WANT ME TO CARRY THEM IN FOR YOU? IT’S NO TROUBLE AT ALL!” he exclaimed, trying to pass over the unwieldy bag with a mop inside to your full hands. You just barely hanged it onto your pinky, then felt the cold realization drip on your soul as you realized you needed to pull out your keys.

“It’s fine, I got it,” you said, finally swallowing your pride and setting all the bags besides the door, your dog cautiously sniffing the mop. You turned to him with a polite smile, flexing your hands. “Thanks for the help, Papyrus.”

“NO PROBLEM AT ALL!!! PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANY HELP, YOU HAVE MY NUMBER, RIGHT?”

“Sure do. I’ll send you a text so you have mine too.”

The words seemed to cheer the skeleton up greatly, because his posture got even straighter and he bounced in place. “R-REALLY?! THAT’S GREAT!!! THEN WE CAN BE TEXTING BUDDIES! OR WE CAN EVEN…PLAN A HANG OUT???” he exclaimed, expression caught somewhere between excited and apprehensive. You chuckled. It’s not often people were this happy about the prospect of spending time with you.

“We’ll see. Take care, Papyrus. Say hi to your family for me.”

“WILL DO! TAKE CARE, WITCHER! HAVE A NICE DAY!!!” he answered, then after a moment of both of you standing around awkwardly he turned and walked down the street. He turned around to wave at you one more time, to which you quit your quest to find your keys to wave back, then slowly started jogging, probably what he was doing before he stopped to pet your dog. You turned back to your task, finally opening the door and needing a shameful two trips to bring the bags in while your dog dived right to her water bowl.

With some unpacking (and many pets to Kitten’s head) you now had some very bare-bones necessities, which you celebrated by frying half a carton of eggs for lunch and sent a quick text to Payrus so he’d have your number. Sated, you put a small saucer with a dollop of cream and honey on the windowsill and put a pink ashtray next to it, putting your twigs to dry there. You’d light the twigs on fire once they were fully dry, and perhaps summon some household helpers. They tended to avoid cities and you never managed to do it before, but it was an old childhood dream of yours to meet them one day, dreams from a life you’ve long since left behind.

You stared at the twigs for a moment, the stories you read and heard from your grandmother still fresh in your mind, even if other things had faded over the years. You weren’t human anymore, certainly, but some days you weren’t sure you were still a real person. You felt more like an animated golem, false memories planted in your mind to make you keep going, but ultimately empty.

Your phone beeped, startling you out of your musings, the generic text message sound reminding you to relax before you could get worked up. It wasn’t the Association, you mused as you pulled out your phone, they had their own ring tone. But what it was was your skeletal neighbour, who texted with just as much enthusiasm as he exuded in real life.

_HELLO HUMAN! IF YOU ARE FREE THIS WEEKEND, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER TO OUR APARTMENT FOR LUNCH? YOURS NYEHFULLY, PAPYRUS_

You snorted at the way he signed himself, fiddling with your phone case. It was…nice, to talk to someone who tried to cheer you up. Who didn’t seem afraid of you. It would be a nicer weekend than what you otherwise had planned. And maybe you were a little starved for company, any company.

_I would like that!_

_SPLENDID! I HAVE *PLANS*_

You laughed at the ominous line, going in to hash out the details. Friends were difficult to come by for you, especially in a new city, but you liked Papyrus’ smile. You wondered if you could get him to laugh too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, at least 30% of my motivation for this fic is me wanting to write about my dog. Y'all don't get it she's awesome and so weird. And spoiled. 
> 
> And yes her name, translated from my mother tongue, means Kitty.
> 
> Also idk why everyone who writes harem fics has the reader date everyone but Papyrus, did you see that man in the game??? He'd get his moves on within 3 days of meeting you


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Witcher goes for a walk and meets a cat. Oh, and a skeleton.

You started today with a simple wish, inspired by the dull throb in your spine as you woke up: to buy a new god-damned bed. But to get to the Ikea store you needed a car, and the only one your contacts had secured for you was a 20-year-old hunk of junk that was more rickety than a bridge held together by rusty nails and hope. You may get into battles to the death to earn a living but trying to brake with the smoky old thing was more terrifying than facing down a den of monster spiders. You decided that, as much as your back would never recover from the inflatable mattress, you had to sacrifice your spinal alignment for the sake of finding a working car first.

So, you spent your time before noon visiting a car dealership and getting a semi-decent used car in an eyesore of a yellow colour and with a sticky gear shift, but most importantly with working breaks. Task accomplished, you ignored your many, many chores, moving in tasks, cooking and Witcher jobs to instead go for a walk with your dog, get some exercise and a meal. It was early afternoon by the time you closed the door behind you, so you decided to explore your neighbourhood a bit more in the hopes of finding a place to buy magical food. This whole area had a large monster population apparently, and they had to eat somewhere. You decided to set off in the opposite direction from yesterday.

The stretch you walked through was only residential buildings, though after 15 minutes you reached a small collection of stores, from a small hardware store, a gardening store and a little cosmetics shop that must have been closed for a few months at least, but no food. With a disappointed sigh you made a turn towards the park, your dog already trying to pull ahead to reach it sooner. Once the trees were in sight, you unclipped her leash and let her jet into the tall grass, chasing after random bugs while you stretched and then proceeded to do your warmups. Your body functioned better than a humans’, but you still needed to exercise to keep it in shape.

By the time you were finished your muscles were burning and your shirt was uncomfortably wet, so you put your jacket back on and called your dog back over, heading out in search of food. You took off in a direction you hadn’t gone in before, hoping you’d be able to find your way back home afterwards, but you were distracted from looking for a diner by the sounds of vigorous swearing. You looked at the direction the voice came from, but you saw nobody in the street. You glanced at Kitten, who was intently staring in the same direction you heard the sound come from, body leaning forward, ears cocked forward as well. You didn’t imagine the voice if she heard it too.

The voice echoed through the street again, something involving someone’s mother, and after a few moments of hesitation you started walking again in the direction you were facing, following the sound. Your curiosity would be the death of you, and you were perhaps a little too used to having to fix other people’s problems to not go face-first into trouble.

You scouted the area, still seeing nobody, until you realized the voice was coming from somewhere higher up than eye level. You looked at the buildings first, figuring it was coming from a window or balcony, but saw nothing until your eyes landed on a large, black mass in a tree down the street, moving and the noise obviously coming from it. You strolled up to the tree, observing the person who had, apparently, decided being in a tree and swearing up a storm was normal behaviour. You put your dog behind you, just in case.

“get the fuck back here you little _shit_!!!” the lump hissed out, voice low, raspy and agitated, and you noticed the black was actually a large hoodie he was wearing, the fabric making it difficult to tell apart his head from his legs.

“Hey, are you alright?” you called out, tensing your body to potentially catch the tree person if he fell out. The person flinched but thankfully stayed put, shuffling until he was sitting upright on the branch and looking down at you.

He had a wide skull and a strained grin, his golden tooth and little red lights floating in his sockets his most attention-grabbing features, thought you also noted his forehead was sweaty. “shit, sorry about the noise, i’m trying to catch a cat,” he claimed. You blinked at him, then cocked your head to look at the tree. Through the leaves, a few branches above him, you saw something move-a tuft of white fur. Your eyebrows crawled up to your hairline.

“Isn’t it dangerous to climb trees like this? What if you fall out?”

He chuckled, wiping the sweat off his skull with a sleeve. “i’m not afraid of fallin’, kid. what I _am_ afraid of is my bro kicking my ass cuz I left the door open after he told me ten times not to.”

You were sorely tempted to correct the ‘kid’ comment but decided against it for the moment. You tied your dog to a nearby streetlamp, then gave her a goodbye pat while you approached the tree again, feeling guilty when you heard her whimper. “I can get your cat. You should probably get down before you crack your skull, mister skeleton.”

“nah, i got this, i-” he started, making a swipe at the hissing, renegade cat, but the movement upset his balance and his body tipped to the side. You watched in slow motion as he flailed his arms to try and grab onto a branch, his fingers scraping the trunk but not finding any purchase, and then finally tipping to the point of no return. You immediately rushed beneath him, arms out and body loose to grab him, but just as you saw his sockets widen as he faced the ground, he disappeared.

You froze in place, blinking rapidly at the spot he was in just a second ago and you had been watching the entire time, until you heard a scuffle of shoes finding purchase on the ground behind and to the right of you. You spun around immediately, watching the short, stout skeleton wheel his arms, attempting to center himself as he stood on the ground, then let out a sigh of relief when he found his balance. He looked up at you, meeting your gaze. “see? told ya I had nothin’ to worry about. you would have sprained something catching me, ya crazy human.”

“Did you just teleport?” you exclaimed, taken aback. The skeleton grinned, the way his sockets crinkled familiar. You noted that he actually looked a lot like the grumpy skeleton you met at the gala, but shabbier and a bit more friendly. Strange. Were you just oblivious to differences between skeletons or did they really look alike? Were they relatives?

“who, me? teleport? nah, must be seeing things,” he said dismissively. You stared at him, he stared back at you. You only raised your eyebrow to comment on his statement before you decided to let it go.

“Alright, now that you’re not actively risking your life, do you have any cat food? Tuna? Something the cat really likes to eat?”

“i think she eats pretty much anything,” the skeleton said with a sniff. “sure likes to steal my food, no matter what it is.”

You hummed, taking your treat bag out of your pocket. You poured half of it out beneath the tree, your dog starting to whine as soon as she smelled the stinky, bone-shaped soft treats. The other skeleton approached to watch you spread them out over the ground. “setting a trap, eh?”

“It’s a cat, I doubt I can climb a tree better than her,” you answered, straightening back up. “Can’t beat her at her own game, so why not play my own? Why work harder if I can work smarter?”

“a human after my own heart,” he replied. Trap set, you took a few steps back, giving the cat space while observing the branches. You had excellent vision, but it was still hard to see the ball of fluff in the dense foliage. The skeleton followed you, settling in next to you an arm-width away.

“thanks for helping, pal. i gotta get her home before my bro sees she’s gone, i don’t want to lose any more teeth. my good looks are my main selling point,” he claimed. You snorted out a laugh. The skeleton winked in reply. “what, not buying it? i was thinking of going into modeling. you’re breaking my heart here.”

“Handsome faces aside, are you…sure you’ll be ok? Your brother isn’t going to really…” you trailed away. The skeleton barked out a laugh.

“oh, shit no. he’s a huge softy. i’ll just get an earful is all, even if I don’t have ears,” he answered. You nodded, relieved.

“Good. Still, you have to keep an eye on your pets. They’re suicidally reckless and will take any opportunity to bolt into traffic. It’s lucky she decided to go into a tree instead.”

The skeleton rubbed the back of his head with a groan. “yeah, yeah, i know for next time now. the little shit is a furry ninja, no idea why my bro likes her so much. he’s supposed to foster cats until they find a permanent home, but he kept this one, of all the ones he could keep. fucking _doomfanger_. she hisses at me every time she sees me.”

“She has to let her stances be known,” you wisely concluded. “I’m sorry about earlier, by the way. I assumed-I called you mister skeleton, but I don’t know your name. Or if the mister thing is right.”

The skeleton waved your concern away, then in the same motion held out his left hand. “I’m no mister, but i am a dude. don’t blame ya for getting confused, apparently you humans suck at telling monster genders apart. name’s red. you?”

“The Witcher, pleased to meet you,” you answered, reaching out to shake his hand. You froze mid-shake, your gut instincts flaring in warning. You looked at his hand carefully, then gently took his wrist and flipped it over. On his palm was a small contraption with a button in the center, innocuous but recognizable. “…Is that a joy buzzer?”

“hey, guy’s gotta get his kicks somewhere,” he answered, sticking his hands back in his pockets. “geez, talk about a buzz kill.”

You blinked, unsure how to comment. Was the pun intentional, or a happy coincidence? You didn’t have time to ponder it, as in your peripheral vision you saw the furry runaway make her way to the lower branches of the tree, carefully scouting the snacks. The skeleton made a quiet noise and raised his hands, the tingle of his magic subtle against your skin. You weren’t sure what he was getting ready to do, but you probably wouldn’t have a large margin of time to grab her. You decided to get ready to pounce as well if the situation called for it.

With a final, decisive sniff, the cat jumped out of the tree, landed gracefully on her feet, then sniffed the ground. Kitten immediately started barking at the fluffy intruder, but the cat paid her no mind, merely flicking her ear twice and then chowing down on the treats.

The magic coming from the shorter skeleton washed over you in a wave, then with the flick of his wrist the cat gained a very see-through blue glow, only visible because of her white fur. The skeleton approached her, steps impressively quiet, but the cat noticed him anyways and scrambled towards the tree. With a motion of his hand the cat’s body stayed put, even with her legs scrambling, looking like she was trying to take off on a freshly waxed floor.

Magic that prevented things from moving. Interesting.

The cat seemed to notice her predicament and lay down in a hissing loaf, though she didn’t seem too surprised by this turn of events. Red put one hand between her front legs, other under her rear, then scooped her up like she weighed nothing at all. Huh. You thought she might be heavy, she seemed huge in size, but perhaps it was all fluff and attitude. She hissed at Red some more, which just made your dog start barking harder in a positive feeback loop of cacophony.

“A real character, huh?” you said with a chuckle, approaching her with your fist stretched out as a greeting. She sniffed your hand, then hissed at you as well, for good measure.

“tell me about it.”

Judging that the ball of fluff wasn’t going to let you pet her, you instead went back to your dog, still barking her ass off, and gave her pets until she calmed down a bit and you could untie her once again. “Pretty ballsy, though. My dog is a big baby and would go running if a cat hissed at her, but she doesn’t know that and she’s still ready to throw down.”

“probably smart of your dog, why fight when you can book it?” he replied. He shifted the cat to a more comfortable position, then gave you a friendly grin. “shit, that was clever of you. you save cats from trees often?”

“Hardly! Food is just usually a good way to set a trap, you know?”, you said with a laugh.

“speaking of food, you really saved my pelvis here and you seem like an alright human, so lemme treat you to a meal,” Red said. You raised your eyebrow, moderately amused at the nonchalant attitude.

“Have to admit, this is a pretty original way to ask for a date,” you stated. Red’s sockets widened, then crinkled as he laughed-no, maybe cackled would be more accurate. He had a bit of an ‘I’m laughing at you, not with you’ edge to it, but you had a feeling it was just how he usually sounded.

“gotta stay original, right? but nah, just as a thank you. i’m meeting a friend in the evening for drinks, if you want you can tag along and I’ll get you a meal. little monster-run bar near here, real good food. if you’re interested, of course.”

You thought it over. “Well, I am new to the area, could be nice to see the sights. Besides, who says no to free food?” you asked. Red freed his hand-the one holding the cat’s butt- just enough to make a finger gun at you.

“sweet. you know where the corner of 10th and maple is? be there or be square, 7pm,” he said.

“Heavens forbid I be square, Red. But sure, thanks,” you answered with a smile. The skeleton gave you a casual wave as a goodbye, then turned around in the direction you came from and set off. You watched his back, jacket obscuring his bones. You wondered if he knew Papyrus. He did mention other skeletons living in his building, maybe Red was one of them? Or were you presumptuous, assuming that all these skeletons you kept meeting knew each other?

“Be careful with the cat!!!” you hollered after him, to which he you thought you heard a ‘yeah, yeah’ as a reply, but too quietly for even your ears to pick up clearly. You gave your dog another pet, then tried to set off back home, passing by the tree the cat was stuck in.

Well, dinner was settled, but you still had to last until 7pm. You thought about the chips you were eyeing in the small corner store near your place, 20% off. Did those count as a meal?

Your dog, meanwhile, was perfectly happy to refuse to budge for another 5 minutes until she vacuumed up all the treats the cat didn’t get to. Well. If you were a dog you would do the same, so more power to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Red is such a little shit, I love him.
> 
> This chapter was gonna be way longer, with this and the next chapter being one bigger chapter. But I feel it actually makes more sense to break them up into two small chapters. That, and I wanna update this fic uwu.
> 
> If you ask where this fic is going, I have plans for certain characters and certain chapters thought out, but how I'll get to those is a big fat mystery lovies xx


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Witcher goes on a pub crawl with Red, and meets another skeleton.

You were dressed in a clean set of clothes, looking casual but still put together, and were already at the designated meeting spot waiting for Red to appear. You were also fidgeting and cursing yourself for not asking for his contacts because it was 7:20pm and he was still nowhere to be seen. He might just be the kind of person to be 20 minutes late to outings, but were you perhaps stood up? Did he ask around and find out who you are and decide it was safer to stay away? He would not be the first monster to refuse to associate with you, and for good reason. The King of Monsters might have your back, but that didn’t mean the general populace had to tolerate your presence with grace.

Then again, surface monsters by and large didn’t know of your reputation, it seemed. Papyrus and the other Guards had never heard of you before you crashed the gala, so maybe it wasn’t fear keeping him away. It was comforting, deep down, that there were monsters out there that didn’t see you as the boogeyman they got scared with when they misbehaved. You never managed to get used to the way monsters you’d met before looked at you, like a character from a bedtime story given life. It was a wholly new feeling to be seen as just another human by these monsters from the underground.

“heya. ready to go?” you heard. You turned around the second the scuff of clothes behind you sounded, just in time to meet Red’s gaze. He blinked at you, surprised, before settling into a confident grin. “geez, you’re a jumpy kinda human, huh?”

“Sometimes. You’re a bit late,” you answered, crossing your arms. It was fine. You heard him on time to react, even with how quiet he was when he teleported. You would be fine. Red shrugged, utterly unapologetic.

“heh, sorry. my bro figured out doomfanger got out of the house anyways so I had to listen to his lecture, and then he guilted me into cleaning the bathroom to atone for my sins,” he said, setting off at a sedate pace down one of the many smaller streets. You followed him, deciding to walk next to but an arm’s distance apart from him. Thankfully he wasn’t very fast so you caught up easily.

“You were late because you were cleaning your bathroom?” you asked, eyebrows raised. Red made a ‘so-so’ motion with his hands.

“not really, I finished the bathroom pretty fast. but my bro was pissy that I didn’t do a good enough job with it so he went to clean it himself after me. so while he was busy, i went and hid all the forks in the hamper.”

“You-” you stammered, then let out snort. “And what did that accomplish?”

“no idea, but it was funny. to me at least, and isn’t that what’s important in life, really?” he said, gesturing grandly. He turned and headed into a smaller alleyway, making you instinctively wonder if you were walking into a trap before you decided it was unlikely.

“You and your brother seem close,” you cautiously stated.

“eh, you know how it is. can’t live with them, can’t live without them,” he said with a shrug and a chuckle. “nah, I’m messing around. he’s great. works hard, kind, got a good head on his shoulders, especially now that we’re on the surface. he’s my only family, yanno?”

You decided to sidestep asking for more details on what happened to the rest of his family and instead figured this was a safe topic for the skeleton. He seemed happy to talk about his brother, if the strangely normal smile was to be believed. It was pretty sweet how he lit up when he was bragging about him. “It’s been a year since you all reached the surface, right? And you’ve lived with him all that time?”

“year and a couple of months, but yeah. we’ve been living together since always, we still kinda do now. pretty damn impressive that so many of us managed to get places to live and jobs this quickly, with all the surface bureaucracy bullshit.”

“What kind of jobs do you two have?” you asked.

“my bro’s in the guard. he was vice captain back underground, but he’s a lower position now. he seems to like it well enough, though. more time for his cats.”

You hummed in encouragement. “The Guard? What does he look like?” you asked. Your mind immediately went to that short, angry skeleton from when you met Asgore. He bore a striking resemblance to Red, colour of magic notwithstanding, to the degree that if they didn’t have very different postures and attitudes you might confuse one for the other. And the colours of their eye lights were different, too, if you remembered correctly, but you wouldn’t have been surprised if they turned out to be twins.

“oh yeah, his name’s edge. real tall and lanky, scars over his left socket. looks grumpy all the time. I think most people remember him if they see him once,” he explained, going on tippy-toes to try and show how tall he was.

You remembered Edge-you had met him, after all. The one that looked like a grumpier Papyrus. That…wasn’t who you expected his brother to be, but looking at Red you could see a resemblance. The colour of their magic, their teeth, something about the way the line above their noses appeared when they frowned. You could buy it. But…what the hell was the story with the short skeleton, then?

“I did meet your brother, actually. Along with Papyrus and another skeleton, a few days ago. Had some business with King Asgore and they were the Guards on duty,” you answered. He looked at you, eyebrows raised.

“you did? nice. he didn’t tell me about meeting a new human, but then again I didn’t get much time to meet up with him this week. i’m only here for the weekend, and he’s been busy.”

“You’re leaving tomorrow? Work trip?” you asked. He made a ‘so-so’ gesture.

“sorta. I usually stay in the next city over while I work, then I head back here for the weekend. easier than making the trip every day. I can do paperwork and shit from here but i gotta be in the office pretty often,” he explained. You nodded. The next city over from Ebott City…You forgot the name. Lakeview? Something water-themed like that. Considerably bigger, though not as used to monsters as Ebott was. You hoped the humans there were more accepting than average.

“What do you do there?” you asked.

“research assistant. humans are all gung-ho on the application of magic nowadays, so they pay pretty decent money even for assholes like me who don’t have human-approved diplomas,” Red explained, gesticulating with his right hand, his left in his pocket. “I got mine underground but it’s a pain in the ass to have it approved up here. but they want to hire us anyways, so why the fuck not. the brainiacs there are pretty fun, the biology lab is doing some really crazy shit with fungi and magic. that’s a bit out of my area though.”

“Research assistant, huh? Didn’t peg you as a nerd,” you told him with a grin. Red snorted in amusement, which was a relief. You liked a gentle roasting between friends, but you didn’t want to insult people you just met after all.

“you should see my shitty science puns shirt collection,” he stated, then slowly came to a stop. You stopped next to him, checking out the store front. “welp, here we are.”

The store front wasn’t flashy, just the deep green painted wood and a small ‘Open’ sign indicating it was a pub, though you could hear the chatter inside and see shadowy shapes moving across the windows, the glass too blurry to show the inside clearly. Red opened the door and stepped inside, you following hot on his heels, and were immediately assaulted by the smell of fried grease, spilt beer and the cheers of monsters inside.

The skeleton seemed right at home, throwing a few finger guns out before heading to the bar front, hopping onto the barstool he was just a little too short to get on gracefully. You took your own seat next to him, marveling at all the monsters you saw walking around. You weren’t a stranger to various non-human entities, but it was strange to see so many kinds you’ve never seen before. Many that you’d met before coming here looked pretty human-like, whether as a consequence of selection against being discovered by humans or because they had powers to disguise themselves, so the fact that their forms were so varied astounded you. Plant monsters, bunny monsters, what looked like a very large frog only identifiable as a monster by the fancy cocktail sitting in front of it and the little bow-tie it was wearing. You pressed your lips together so you wouldn’t smile. It felt like you just stepped into a storybook. It had been a while since you felt that wonder.

You watched the barmen-a fire elemental! Those were rare!-approach you two, inclining their head. The only reason you knew they were looking at you was because they wore glasses. Did fire even need glasses?

“heya grillbz, the usual. and get both of us a burg and some fries, that okay?” Red stated looking at you, so you nodded at the offered meal. You looked behind the bar at the chalk-board menu. You honestly felt like getting some booze tonight, loosen up a bit, so you ordered your own drink and the bartender left to tend to the other customers.

“It’s been a while since I had drinking company. I really needed the night out, thanks,” you said. Red waved you off.

“it’s nothing, I owe ya. won’t get piss drunk with you, but maybe blue will? he’s usually down with whatever.”

You picked at the napkin someone left behind, then swept it to the side. “blue-that’s your friend we’re meeting?” you asked.

“got it in one. he’s also always fucking late, but at least he can drink most people under the table, so he has some redeeming qualities,” Red said with a smile.

You were surprised when your drink arrived just moments later, followed by a plate with a burger so greasy it was dripping and so many fries they were overflowing that clinked as it was set in front of you. Your eyes widened as you looked at the bartender.

“Damn, that was fast! Thank you kindly,” you exclaimed, mouth watering at the food holding all your attention at the moment. The fire monster didn’t change their non-existent expression, but you had the distinct impression they were preening. Red didn’t comment as he had already tucked in, and soon two glasses of beer were placed next to him, to which he paused to thank the fire monster with his mouth still full. You looked down at your meal, then popped a fry into your mouth. To your delight it melted in your mouth, almost numbing your tongue as the salt and grease faded into a tingle, and then went down smoothly as you swallowed it. Magic food. You couldn’t help your grin.

“guessing you like it, huh kid?” Red said, mouth full of burger. To your surprise, his voice was clear-like he didn’t have food in his mouth. You quickly swallowed another bite before raising your eyebrow at him.

“Fuck off with that ‘kid’ stuff, Red. I’m older than you,” you said with a scowl. The skeleton chuckled.

“yeah? how old are you then, coffin-dodger?”

“Old enough that back in my day I was taught it was rude to ask people their age, numbskull,” you said, popping another fry into your mouth. Then, with all the speed and reflexes of a cat, you snatched a fry from Red’s plate, the skeleton making a choking noise and diving to protect his plate, his arms making a cage over the meal. You dangled the fry in front of his face, the happily popped it into your mouth. “Rudeness tax.”

“i’m paying for you and this is the thanks I get? fuck you,” he answered with a hiss. You burst out laughing, turning your own plate so the fries were closer to him and nudging the whole thing towards him.

“It’s alright, you can have some of mine.” You said. He looked at your plate, then at you and your totally innocent smile, then snapped forward and grabbed a fistful of fries, retreating back like a snake that just grabbed a mouse. You smiled wider in amusement.

“…you’re creepy fast, shit. what kind of human are you?” he asked, looking you over. It didn’t feel like a wholly innocent look. Less like an idle joke, and more like he was genuinely trying to figure out what makes you tick. You cocked your head to the side, finger tapping your mouth.

“I’m the Witcher, as I said. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“what does that even mean?” he asked, sockets narrowing at you. But suddenly his eye lights shot to the side and he turned in the same direction, your own instincts compelling you to snap around and look as well. Red immediately calmed you by waving at an approaching skeleton, weaving their way through the crowd-obviously the person he’d been looking for. They finally squeezed between two large monsters with an apology, then stood in front of you two with a wide grin.

“Oof, Friday night crowds, am I right?” they said, big grin on their face. You noted their outfit was a kind of dressed-down casual that told you he dressed up for work, but he also had a touch of eccentricity to him in the shape of a blue bandana around his neck and…cowboy boots? Most notably though, when you ignored the colour of their eye lights and the bluntness of their teeth, they looked remarkably like a dressier Red.

“your fault for being late, you ass,” Red cackled, engaging the newcomer in a combination of a high-five and a handshake. Then Red waved over to you. “here’s the human i picked up. they helped me get the hellcat out of the tree.”

“Bested by the cat once again, huh Red?” the other skeleton said with a chuckle. They thrust their hand out at you and you politely accepted the handshake. You’d been distracted when Red tried to shake your hand last time, but the texture of bone under your hand was…novel. It certainly wasn’t as porous and dusty as real bones tended to be, but it wasn’t smooth like porcelain either. “My name is Blue, as you maybe could have guessed! He/him pronouns, lover of Mexican cuisine, and ambassador of monsterkind, at your service.”

“The Witcher, they/them pronouns, I have a few titles but not when I’m trying to get shitfaced in a pub,” you answered, giving him a firm handshake and then letting go. Blue chuckled indulgently as his hands travelled to his hips.

“A good stance to take! Now,” he said, climbing onto the only empty barstool on your other side and waving at Grillby, “let me catch up to you two and then we can hang out for a bit. It’s been a day.”

“well, if you wanna get drunk, you got company now,” Red interjected, pointing his thumb at you. Blue didn’t even say anything to Grillby, just made a complicated hand motion and then turned back to you two.

“Yeah? Even better!” Blue asked, rolling up his shirt sleeves. The end result of the action was him looking dashingly rumpled in the semi-dressy shirt. You indulged your curiosity with a subtle look-over, tracing the way his bones were outlined with the shirt, but when you looked up to his face his eye lights were on you, smile turning into a smirk. Busted. The look became even more smug and…almost sultry when Grillby came back with a glass of what looked like whiskey on the rocks, which Blue took and casually dangled the glass from his hand. “Well, to a good evening, then!”

“Hear, hear,” you answered, clinking your glass to his, waiting for Red to put down his food long enough to grab his second glass of beer and clink it to yours. The toast finished, you all took a deep gulp of your drinks, and damn, the magic did nothing to soothe the burn of alcohol. Blue let out a satisfied sigh and put his glass down with a gentle clink.

“Geez, Grillby knows his merchandise, as always. How’s work, Red? Haven’t seen you in a bit.”

“eh, nothing new. Aditya is throwing some kinda party next week, haven’t decided if I’m going or skipping it to play videogames,” Red explained, digging back into his fries. He didn’t react to whatever the hell passed between you and Blue with that look he aimed at you, which was a relief. You weren’t sure how you felt about it quite yet.

“And you, Witcher? How are you? Apart from being forced to hang out with a gaggle of skeletons.”

“Is a gaggle the right name for it?” you asked with a small smile. You swirled your drink around, then took a deep sip. You were going to get drunk tonight, time to up the pace. “I have some time off, so I’m just doing stuff like walking the dog or buying things for my new place. Nothing too interesting. Although…”

The two skeletons looked at you, eyebrows raised in the exact same questioning way. Yeah, that was uncanny. “I have to ask-and forgive me if this is rude-but are you two related?” you said.

The two skeletons looked at each other, red lights meeting blue. Blue broke the stare off with an inelegant snort, while Red started all-out cackling. You raised your eyebrow.

“Oh, we- we’re not laughing at you, sorry! I get why you would think that,” Blue said, hiding his grin with his newly refilled drink. “No relation.”

“Really? Sorry then. You just looked a lot alike, but…”

“oh, we are alike,” Red said, picking up a fry to gesticulate with it. “we’re alternate universe versions of each other. but nobody really makes it clear if the you from another universe is related to you or not, so kinda difficult to answer that. I personally think the answer is no.”

“I still disagree, but that’s alright, you’re allowed to be wrong,” Blue said primly. Red flipped him off.

“go fuck yourself. i’m the one with a phd in physics, so I’m right.”

“Isn’t that a logical phallacy though? Appeal to authority?” you interjected, trying to wrap your head around that bit of information but instead latching onto the least useful part of the conversation. Blue’s brows lifted, his sockets crinkling in delight, while Red simply moved his middle finger from where he was aiming it at Blue and aimed it at you instead.

“Ah, debate. The most annoying skill one can gain,” Blue concluded, reaching out to steal your fries. You decided to let him.

“Yes, debate, but…alternate universe versions of-what?! Can we return to that tidbit?!” you asked, looking from one skeleton to the other.

The two skeletons looked at each other. There was a silent conversation passing between them, the nuances of which you couldn’t even begin to guess. In the end, Red sighed and turned to face you fully, taking a sip of his beer before putting it down to gesticulate.

“so. there was some fuckery with reality going on underground, right? the barrier the humans made was some really powerful magic that…isolated a chunk of reality? pocket dimension? no idea. and then some other fuckery happened and the timeline split, and four parallel versions of the world existed alongside each other with no contact until the barrier broke, the reality outside of the pocket spazzed out to fix it, and basically four different versions of the same underground, people and history came to the surface.”

“And no amount of digging through historical documents or scientific testing can figure out if there was a main timeline others branched from, if there was more than 4 that for some reason didn’t make it, etcetera,” Blue concluded with a sweeping gesture. “With us so far?”

“Not in the slightest, but go on,” you answered.

“so there’s basically four versions of the same people running around town. as you might have guessed from how handsome me and blue here are,” Red said, shoving a fistful of fries into his mouth.

“Figuring out the kings and queens was awful, too, cuz they all had equal rights to lead monsterkind. And that’s on top of stuff like organizing housing, getting IDs, or pretty much anything for this many monsters who all share the same names,” Blue said, counting his points off with his fingers.

You mulled their points over. Alternate universes…were pretty out of your area of expertise, and you said this as someone neck-deep in magical bullshit, but you also knew better than to ask ‘is that even possible???’ when it came to magic. It was…a lot to process, and a not-unsubstantial part of you was still skeptical, but you had wondered about the bits and pieces of monster internal politics you had seen and the weirdly similar skeletons you kept meeting were starting to tickle your sixth sense.

Four worlds…it would explain some things, and any spell that could trap an entire species underground for a millennia or two was bound to be powerful stuff. And then you thought about the first skeleton you met. You had thought when you met Red that they seemed similar, but now…

“I met another skeleton at the gala night. Short, sharp teeth, really didn’t like me. Is he…”

“One of our alternatives? Yep. Razz is his name, and don’t worry, he doesn’t like a lot of people,” Blue said with a snort. “He’s pretty nice, actually, but he’s a liiitle overprotective. Or a douche, depending on who you ask. Still, his soul’s in the right place.”

“he also owes me 20 gold, the rat bastard,” Red grumbled into his beer. Blue reached all the way behind you, hanging off his barstool and making your hair stand on edge at all the motion behind your back just to slap Red on the shoulder.

“I owe you 50 gold, what does that make me?” he asked, batting his eyelids in a bad attempt at innocence.

“makes you the guy footing the bill tonight. have fun with that,” Red said, draining his beer glass empty. The guy threw them back fast-both his glasses were empty, and his plate too apart from a few ketchup stains. You raised your eyebrow.

“Did you invite me to dinner and then decide to let someone else foot the bill for me?” you asked.

“He probably invited you with the express purpose of me footing the collective bill,” Blue said with a sigh, leaning on his hand. “A universal constant: all Sanses are assholes.”

“Sanses?” you asked.

“our actual names. we’re all called sans so it’s kinda confusing to keep track of, so we made up nicknames. we played beer pong a few weeks after coming to the surface to determine who gets to go by sans out of all of us,” Red concluded, stretching his arms. “I think we brainstormed our nicknames then, too. explains a lot.”

You leaned back in your seat, taking another sip of your drink. This was…a lot to take in, in a whole lot of ways, but thinking too hard about it was making your head hurt and you couldn’t tease apart your thoughts. You looked at your now empty glass, raising an eyebrow at it. That was quite a strong drink, to get you tipsy from one glass. You flagged the bartender for another one.

“welp, I gotta skedaddle,” Red said, kind of oozing out of his seat to stand. “I gotta get up early tomorrow for work bullshit. you guys wanna stay for a bit more or do you want to head out?”

“Geez, already? I’m staying a bit longer, I barely just got here,” Blue answered, taking the moment Grillby approached with your drink to order another glass. “You had enough or do you wanna stay a bit, Witcher? Might as well rack up the bill if someone else is paying.”

You grinned at the sentiment, then eyed the skeleton still sitting next to you. There was an eyebrow wiggle aimed in your direction that made you chuckle, but was still very flattering. It had been a while since someone gave you that sort of attention, if the sultry look paired with the friendly grin was one you interpreted correctly. You looked back at Red, who was looking at Blue with a raised eyebrow, then back at you, an extremely unimpressed expression on his face.

“…I think I’ll stay for a few more drinks,” you said.

“drinks. sure. welp, have fun knocking boots, i’m outta here. and see you around, witcher!” Red said, waving back at you before heading out the door of the bar. You looked back at Blue who was grinning victoriously at you.

“You can quit undressing me with your eyes, you know,” you told him. He shrugged.

“Hey, if you want me to stop, I will! Don’t be shy about telling me to back off,” he said, running a finger over his glass. “But I have a hunch you haven’t had any in a while, so I figure I might as well shoot my shot, right?”

You winced. It really _had_ been a while. You took your drink in hand, then leaned forward on your elbows, dangling the glass you were holding. “Bold move. You’re not wrong, though.”

Blue gave you a wink, and it had no business being as charming as it was. “Tell you what. We talk for a bit, finish our drinks, and if you wanna spend the night with me after that, great, and if you wanna go home and sleep, great too. No pressure.”

“Do you usually spend your free time cruising for hookups? Somehow you don’t strike me as the type,” you asked. Blue laughed, deep and hearty. Yeah, you could imagine him having success with it too, between the charming, approachable attitude and the sheer ballsiness.

“Not my main hobby, but I do sometimes! It’s stress relief of a kind. And as long as everyone is on board it’s fine, right?” he asked, leaning forward. His face wasn’t that far from your own in this position, and his eye lights were a bit fuzzy on the edges but still such a pretty sky-blue colour. You let your gaze fall onto his hands. He wasn’t a large guy, but he did have interestingly big, bulky hands. They gave you feelings. Very below the belt feelings.

“Fair enough. I can’t say I haven’t done the same after a rough day,” you answered, then clicked your glass onto the bar just enough to make a satisfying sound, then chugged your whole drink. You let out a satisfied sigh at the end, the magic burning hard down your throat. Blue clapped a few times at the display, your face warming. You were tipsy, but you still had your wits about you. You could do this. “Yeah, fuck it. Show me what you got, skeleton. I hope you have skilled fingers.”

He let out another hearty laugh, his own skull dusted the same pretty blue his eye lights were. Oh yeah, if he was pretty before drinking, he was smashing now. “Oh, if you think all I have is hands, then get ready for me to rock your world.”

You raised your eyebrow, your own mouth stretching into a smirk. “Big words for a short guy. But alright, I’ll bite. Your place or mine?”

“Score!” he answered, abandoning all pretense of suave charm to fist pump like the world’s biggest dork. Was it the alcohol, you wondered, that made you find even that kind of charming? Yeah, definitely about time to get laid. He wasn’t that classically handsome, what with being short, stocky and a skeleton, but he did it for you right now. “Well, I’ll let you decide, I’m fine with either.”

You mulled it over as he finished his drink. Your place only had a blow-up mattress, and you weren’t keen on a stranger going anywhere near your sword while you slept. Plus, this was a hookup, not a date. If you really didn’t feel up to the obligatory awkward morning after, you could always wake up a few hours earlier and sneak out, as you’ve done a few times before. A rude thing to do, but it was good to have the option anyways.

“Your place if I’m the one choosing. I still don’t have a bed,” you said, deciding on a small lie by omission.

“Well, my place it is! I’d make a joke about beds, but I’m tipsy and I haven’t made it yet,” he said, clambering off the barstool with a lot more grace than Red showed. You squinted at him, trying to get your drunken brain to work. Was that a pun? He had the smug grin he’d been wearing for a good part of the evening on, but it could also be the result of a shitty pun.

Your internal question unanswered, you stood up as well, flagging down the bartender. You had a polite argument to pay the bill anyways with Blue, but after some words on both your sides and Grillby standing idly next to you with an air of impatience, Blue paid the tab and you headed out together. You breathed in the bracing, cold air, the night sobering after the cozy bar atmosphere. The short skeleton next to you sniffed once, then, to your surprise, sneezed a weirdly cute kitten sneeze, immediately followed by another.

“I didn’t even know skeletons _can_ sneeze,” you commented, taking off your jacket. Blue laughed with a sniffle, bright and boisterous.

“We’re full of surprises, you-” he started, then ground to a stop as you put a jacket over his shoulders. “Erm. What are you doing?”

“Well, I don’t want you catching a cold, no?” you asked, putting a hand on his upper back. You tilted your head, thinking. “Do skeletons even catch colds?”

He blinked at you owlishly, then snickered, the blush brought on by cold and alcohol deepening. You nodded in satisfaction as he drew the jacket in closer around himself. That was one snug-looking skeleton.

“Oh no, you’re a regular knight in shining armor, aren’t you, Witcher? Consider me wooed,” he stated, extending a hand to you. You weren’t interested in anything too lovey-dovey with him at the moment, but your drunken mind figured you might as well hold it.

“Is the hand-holding some kind of foreplay for you? Do you have a-” you said, and between one blink and the next, you were out of the cold and in a warm, slightly messy room. “-hand fetish-what? What the-?!”

Blue let your hand go, shit-eating grin growing wider. “Hey, I said I’d rock your world, didn’t I?”

You scrambled to the window, blinking at the street below. You couldn’t see the pub from it, just the usual mostly empty streets. You turned back to him, then looked around the room. There were Blue-sized shirts and pants piled onto a chair in the corner, and there were a wide variety of cacti on the windowsill, a bunch of paperwork on the desk and-was that weed growing from a pot in the corner? You stared at the delicate marijuana leaves and their lush green colouration as your brain tried to catch up to the sudden change in environment.

“Don’t tell the embassy about that,” Blue said, leaning sideways to fake-wishper. “It’s legal here, actually, but it doesn’t look good for an ambassador to be growing his own magic pot.”

“Snitches get stitches,” you muttered, scratching the back of your head. Skeletons. Already they gave you headaches. Blue side-stepped in front of you, facing you with a sultry grin. He placed his hand on your forearm, tracing it gently as he leaned in.

“So. About those fingers you were so curious about,” he said, voice low. You looked down at him, his eye lights bright in the room that was lit only by street lamps. You couldn’t help the smile that stretched across your face, leaning in to hover just in front of his mouth.

“Hah. Well, I better rock your world, too. Wouldn’t want to be rude,” you said, moving closer until your lips touched bone. You were right-it wasn’t smooth like porcelain, but it was strangely warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats, you fucked Blue!!! I am at least somewhat inspired by the Witcher, so ofc Witcher is a ho. 
> 
> Also, I don't plan on explicitly writing a sex scene in this fic, but there are a lot of references to heavy topics and sex in it, so the M rating is earned. Just as an additional warning.
> 
> Also, personal salt: so many harem fics have the reader date everyone but Blue and Papyrus, or they're the only asexual ones out of the whole bunch. So to protest it, Blue is a ho and has game and the reader shags them first. Salt is what fuels me.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make my day!  
> Also, I have a [Twitter](https://twitter.com/CaptainSh1tpost), in case you want to see me shitpost.


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